I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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