I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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