Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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