Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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