i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
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