Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Randomize
