I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Randomize
