Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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