He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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