Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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