You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?