if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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