Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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