sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
