i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
