coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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