I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
