I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
