the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
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She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
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He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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