I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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