I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
