hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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