You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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