you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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