I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
