wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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