White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
