i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I touched a dick in church today
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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