During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
