She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
