I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
