i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
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How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize