my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
nutella sex= disaster
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
