I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
