I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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