bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
