too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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