We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
