Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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