You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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