This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
