Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Someone came in the potted fern
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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