A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
