we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
