I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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