Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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