just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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