I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
