yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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