As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
