i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
