Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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