If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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