You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
